Oh, The Pain Of Losing You

"Oh, the pain of losing you. Never knowing what to do. Oh, the misery I go through. Oh, the pain of losing you."

This is an old song recorded by The Trio - Dolly Parton, Emmylou Harris, and Linda Ronstadt. It's pretty sad. Very sad, actually...and it's where I am this moment. Out of the blue while eating dinner, an overwhelming wave of grief washed over me. I've written here before about these "waves" and their utter unpredictability. This one most definitely threw me off.

February 22 will be the third-year anniversary since Beth's death. Three years. In a way, it seems like 8-10 years, and in most ways...it seems like 2 weeks ago. I've "adjusted" to this different life without her, and I do enjoy my life as best as I can. There is just no accounting for that void sometimes. Yes, I have God. Yes, I can pray through it. Yes, I have so many wonderful friends who surround me with love. I just miss Beth. Not just our life. Not just having "someone" to love. I miss HER. Beth. I miss everything about her, even the stuff that irked me. Our Lord knows that my "stuff" irked her far more often, though!

So...I ask for prayers. Right now, please. If you are reading this, stop right now and please pray for me. I'll be better, I know. I love God and how He has brought me along so far. The pain is still there, and I imagine it will always be. I cannot put into words what Beth meant to me. I sometimes...when I'm honest..have to say that I am NOT so appreciative of the short time we did have together. I wanted more.

I want to see her come down those stairs. I want to feel her in my arms again. I do miss her so much, and the pain of losing her is far worse than I ever could have imagined. I'll go clean the pasta off of the wall now.

Everything I Needed To Know About Spiritual Transformation I Learned from TLC's "What Not To Wear"

Well...not EVERYTHING. A lot, though. Have you seen "What Not To Wear"? The premise goes like this: some loving, well-meaning friends nominate a fashion casualty to be "re-made". They go to New York with all of their old clothes. Two stylists, Stacey London and Clinton Kelly (who truly is the best-dressed man on TV), go through the clothes, ask them "What were you thinking?", and then throw most of the person's existing wardrobe in trash cans. Ouch.

Then they coach the target on things like how to put colors together, shapes/cuts/fabrics that would work best for their body type, things to avoid, etc. Then off they go with a credit card shopping...on their own...to get the new wardrobe. They get a hair makeover and a cosmetic makeover. After one last onceover from Stacey and Clinton, it is back home for the big reveal in front of all of these "friends" who put you through all of this grief.

I think that spiritual transformation is a lot like the show. For example:

1. You have to recognize that it's time for a change. The Holy Spirit will convict you in a variety of ways, but the first step is the recognition that it may just be time for a new thing. Sometimes, it's not necessarily a "bad" habit that God wants us to move away from. It may be a "good thing"...for a season. Maybe it's now time to recognize that it's best to leave it behind and move on to a better thing.
2. You have to SUBMIT to the process. This is really when it starts to hurt. You have to let God toss all of your old stuff in the trash and teach you a new way to do things, a new way to think, and a new way to live. You must submit to the lessons, even if you have to learn them again and again.
3. You have to do your part. In the show, Stacey and Clinton do NOT go shopping with the person. They make him/her do it alone using the lessons that hopefully have been learned. The first few stores are almost always a struggle, but you can see confidence build as day 2 arrives. If a meltdown occurs, Stacey and Clinton may swoop in and -re-focus the poor soul; but that's it. We still have to do our part. We cannot do God's part; nor can He do ours for us.
4. You have to take the limits off of God and yourself. Clothes really do make a difference, but what a change takes place when he/she gets in the chair for Nick to do the hair and Carmondy to work with the cosmetics. On one episode, this is what Nick said to a young lady as he was about to begin her hair: "When is the last time you've done something with this?" "Are you at all happy with this?" "I'm looking to do something radical here!"Do you trust me completely to do what I think is best?" WoW! I am not trying to put God's words in Nick's mouth, but do you see the relation between those questions and the ones that God may be asking you?
5. You have to do a spin and look at the good thing God has done. The process may have been brutal, but look at the result. Find confidence in God's ability to do what needs to be done in your life.

John 15:1-3 (Message): "I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more."

As Joyce Meyer always says, "You're pruned if you do and pruned if you don't."

Transformers

Transformers. No...not the movie. If you know me, you know I don't see a lot of movies. I like going to movies, but I think my expectations are always too high and I end up disappointed. I see usually about two "films" a year, but I plan to see more in 2008. One of my best buds, Jake Carpenter, loves movies...sees just about everything that comes out. Seriously. I get to go with him sometimes to the theater, and we've seen some bad ones ("I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry") and some good ones. ("I Am Legend" - although it totally freaked me out). I enjoy going with Jake, though; and that's what makes it worth it.

OK. I said this was not about movies. I have been doing what we probably all do to some extent this time of each year. I have been reflecting on the past year, and looking to the new one. I am excited about what God has in store for me in 2008. I'm committed to making some changes and pursuing some things God has called me to do. Not resolutions, per se. Transformations that come about through revelations. Revelation is progressive. Transformation is, too. From glory to glory to glory.

I think growth happened for me in 2007, and all that the Holy Spirit has taught me will act as building blocks for the 2008 growth. Transformation. I see some awesome transformation in the people around me, and am excited to see what God will be doing through them in 2008.

• Our small group is growing ever closer together and closer in our individual walks with J.C. It's so cool to learn together, pray together, and have fun together. Transformation.
• My bud, Raymond, had a tough year. He has an awesome heart and has remained connected to God, his family, and his friends through it all. He has also lost so much weight (although it wasn't really needed). He feels good about himself, and I am excited to see what God has in store for him this year. Transformation.
• My friend, Steph, is growing in Christ more and more. There are struggles, for sure, but there is a thirst for the Holy Spirit. Transformation.
• The church (not just Hope, but God's church...all of us...together) is doing some awesome things for God and for His children. I can't wait to see how lives will be transformed in 2008 through Hope Community Church, Elevation Church, Brunswick Bible Fellowship, Lakewood Church, Willow Creek, Northpoint, Ft. Mill Community, Raleigh Christian Community...well...you get the point. Transformation.

I know a lot of people are glad to get out of 2007. I know a lot of friends are beginning 2008 with some deep struggles. Transformation happens and we go through it together. From glory to glory to glory and on. Happy New Year!

Cosmo, Hillary, and Some Darn Good Peanut Brittle

Pretty good Sunday afternoon, I'd say. Rain! Thank you, God! I was just curled up in the chair with my cat, Cosmo...what a snuggler (I think that's a word) he is. I was eating some awesome peanut brittle made for me by a friend, Marlene Hagstrom. I ate the entire container of it this afternoon, and if you saw how much there was...well...you'd be as embarrassed for me as I am! Good stuff.

While I was enjoying the brittle and my cat, I was watching a Hillary Clinton rally from Maquoketa, Iowa. I love politics. I've been a "political junkie" for most of my adult life, and I love all of this! If you know me, you know I'm a Democrat through and through. I am definitely 100% behind Senator Clinton, and am excited about the future with her as President.

I didn't really want to talk about her, but about the attitudes I see about the election season. I am well aware that I am the abnormality and most people do not enjoy any of the political process. I give you that. I just get so frustrated when I hear people say things like, "I don't trust any of them."(candidates) That saddens me. It's cynicism, and cynicism is just an excuse for not helping. When people say things like that, I just think it is so unpatriotic. Patriotism is more than putting a yellow ribbon on your car. I believe patriotism requires me to cast a vote that is educated.

I may disagree with your views, and you may disagree with mine. Cynicism is not a "view" I accept, though. Read up on the candidates. What's important to you? You don't have to watch C-Span 18 hours a day, but pay attention to what is happening. It's pretty important stuff. Way too important for cynicism.

Courage?

Mom and Dad gave me a great little book for Christmas by Robert T. Ketcham. It's called "I Shall Not Want" and was written in 1953 and is now out of print. It's an amazing book that delves into just what Psalm 23 is all about. I think that one psalm is one a lot of us could quote, but I know I have missed a lot of WHO our shepherd really is.

"I will fear no evil, for You are with me." (v.4)

Below is some of the text taken directly from the chapter on courage. These two paragraphs are sticking with me.

"If there is one thing above another that a sheep needs, it is courage - but not courage to fight. A sheep cannot fight. She has nothing to fight with. In fact, she is about the most helpless animal in the domestic world. Why, then, does the sheep need courage? It could have all the courage of a lion and still be utterly helpless in the face of a little sheep-killing dog. THE SHEEP NEEDS COURAGE, NOT TO FIGHT THE LION, BUT TO TRUST THE SHEPHERD. And I may say to you most emphatically that it takes more courage to trust the Shepherd than it does to fight the lion.

If we only have a sense of "doing something" to defend ourselves; if we can only feel that we, in our own strength, have delivered a knockout blow to Satan at some point in our life, how good we feel! But we have nothing within ourselves with which to deliver knockout blows to Satan. We are not equipped with a single solitary thing with which to fight; we are just helpless sheep. And unless the Shepherd can take care of the enemies, we are sure to be found somewhere on the desert of life torn and bleeding.

Now, into this situation comes the Lord Jesus Christ and offers Himself to every believer as a Shepherd who is sufficient for every emergency and danger of life."

BAAAAAA.

Benazir Bhutto

How sad. I've been watching CNN and MSNBC's coverage of today's assassination of former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. My prayers go out to her husband, her three children, her supporters, and the nation of Pakistan.

I have been reading about Bhutto for a couple of years now, and was fascinated that she chose to return to her country in October after a self-imposed eight year exile. She had such passion for her homeland and believed that it could be reformed by democracy and hope.

I like spunky women. Bhutto was the first female Prime Minister of an Islamic nation. She was educated at both Harvard and Oxford. She took her passion seriously and never wavered from the risks that were always present. She was just one of the greats that proved that nobody tells a woman what she may or may not do.

So...here's to you, Benazir Bhutto.

More Cowbell

I really was serious about "embracing" the holidays. Really. I can get selfish and get myself in a true funk over missing Beth and the way things were when she was here. I bought a string of $6.99 multi-colored lights at Target today and I strung them over my bannister and bookcase. Beth would have hated it...very tacky. It kind of puts me in the Christmas mood, though, and it's at least an effort to enjoy this time of year.

Today, I took the time to listen to an awesome middle school band at Crabtree Valley Mall. I was working there, but took a break to hear them. WOW. Martin Magnet Middle School Jazz Band was awesome! I played in the band in high school, and ours never sounded as good as they did today. In fact, our college pep band never sounded so good! These kids blew me away, and I admired the relationship they obviously have with their director.

There was this great enthusiasm permeating the whole concert. Before one song, a young girl stepped forward...cowbell in hand...and a huge smile on her face. She was waiting for her BIG moment. Sure...you can yearn to have the trumpet solo on "Frosty the Snowman" or the sax solo on "Jingle Bell Rock"...but we need more cowbell! This student smiled waiting for her big moment, almost aware of how silly it all was. When her time came, she came through HUGE and returned to her seat.

It reminded me that "whatever I do...I should be doing it as unto the Lord!" We all like the big feature solos where we get the adoration. However, there is a time when we just hit that cowbell once and sit down. God is preparing us for something else. We wait. I learned to not just look ahead to the big feature solos, but to enjoy where God has me now.

That song just wouldn't have been the same without the cowbell.