Wow! The green velvet "holiday" dress was always one of Beth's favorites, and I always loved seeing her in it. That dress looked good on its own, but my wife gave it LIFE!
I discovered this picture of us at her company's Christmas party in 2004...just two months before her death. The thing is this...I wasn't looking through pictures. I came across a file on the computer that Beth had and I accidentally opened it. It was a picture file of lots of photos from this Christmas party.
That memory jolt sent me spiraling. I discovered it Monday night, and have not really slept since. It's all part of grieving; it's natural, I know. The "unexpected waves" such as this are the toughest for me.
I want part of this blog to be about my journey since Beth's death. It helps me to share my thoughts and memories of her, but I believe it can help us all learn. I do talk a lot about her, and I talk a lot about losing her because it is a huge part of who I am, where I am, and my life experience.
My emotions Monday were really just right there at the surface...ready to rise up and make themselves visible! I had been praying for Lisa Austin (see previous post), and visiting her carepages website. This in turn prompted me to look at the CaringBridge website that my sister had established while Beth was in the hospital. Just reading the updates and prayers made it seem in "real time" all over again. I'm glad that site is still up so I can read it..it was just different this week.
See...reminders are always there.
A house full of memories...but not able to make new ones with Beth.
Lingering medical bills...but not a healthy Beth alive today.
Lots of pictures...but memories only...not Beth.
Those reminders I get "accustomed" to having around as part of my daily life. Through the strength I find in Christ, I can work through those. It's the "new discoveries" that wreck me.
It's the birthday card she gave me...which I saved...which I recently found in a drawer.
It's her eyeglasses I put away after she died...which I came across recently.
It's the memory of her in that beautiful green velvet dress.
I don't mean to be a "downer". It's life. Not every day is so bad. I have wonderful days, too; and I know I will have many ahead of me. Maybe sharing this helps me. Maybe sharing this will help you know me better. Maybe sharing this will help us all understand how to help others in similar circumstances.
Just had to share.
2 comments:
It is a good thing to share the difficult times in your life - it helps us on the outside looking in to know better how to care for you - how to pray for you and be grateful that we know you! A real human - that is hurting - and being TOTALLY FOR GOD - someone we can see as a testimony to PRESSING ON through these moments/days relying totally on the promises of Christ Jesus!
WE LOVE YOU RUSS!
Beth was such a gorgeous lady ... both inside and outside. We were showing Taylor some videos of when she was born recently and came across the two of you coming right after Christmas and holding her. Beth's voice echoed so loudly that day, even though everything she said was in her normal tone. How precious are our memories and how gracious our Lord is to allow us to recall all the memories we have of her. I love you ...
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