What We Carry

We all have stuff that we carry with us...stuff that makes up a little or a lot of just who we are. I don't think it's fair to call it "baggage".

I always carry with me the agony of losing Beth. I think of her every day and I grieve for her every day. Now, there is a difference between grief and a "spirit" of grief. Contrary to the cliche, time does NOT heal all wounds. Not time in and of itself. God, as time and life continue, will provide healing.

There has always...3 years later...been something about Beth's death that affected me that I could not pinpoint. I think I got it this week.

I record "Guiding Light" (don't judge me) each and every day. 2 characters were dying on the show and a lot of the script focused on the last days spent between the characters and their respective families. One character, Olivia Spencer, was actually dying from what Beth had, severe dilated cardiomyopathy. I was sobbing as I watched everyone get the opportunity to say what was on their hearts...families and patients alike.

Beth and I and her family never got that opportunity. After her heart attack, she was "alive" for 13 days, but was never responsive. There was a brief span of 10-15 minutes initially in the ER when she could respond to questions by nodding her head, but that was it. I sat by her bed every day and told her how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I really don't know if, being in a coma, she could hear me and understand what I was saying. I have to trust that God made it possible for her to hear my words and my heart.

The other side...maybe a more selfish side...mourns the fact that I never got to hear her say anything to me again. We awoke that morning...all was fine...that was the last time I heard her voice. I know that she loved me. We just never got the opportunity to say good-bye. I look back now and realize just how much I need(ed) that.

I've had people tell me, "Well, Russ; at least she didn't suffer much." That's crap! That is not comforting to me. I hope that she did not suffer. I hope that the doctors were telling me the truth when they said she probably never knew what happened. Selfishly, though...I wanted that chance to have her hear what I needed her to hear. Maybe she did.

I also wanted that chance to hear her...one more time.

Javier, a man who works with Dean, suffered a huge loss today. His daughter was shot and killed while at work in Louisburg. No chance to say what was on his heart. This will obviously be something he will carry for a long time.

We all carry things. Good and bad things. It is not easy always to open up and let people look at it, but it does all play a part in what makes us who we are.